time never stops.

were to start..... endless things have happend, to take a page out of my own book, the forging process has been nearly completed, no-longer am i a useless chunk of rock, but a raw ingot of iron. ready to be shaped. the past year and months have crucial for me. between waking up to reality, and completly overhauling my general lifestyle, the times just one year ago seem so much farther, like a far far gone distant dream of a life that once was. i can hardly remember the times were ive slept in AND done nothing all day for more then a day in a row, now everything seems to be flying by and grinding to a halt at the same time, the days seem lighting fast, and slow at the same time, and despite them moving by so slowly, before i know whats hit me, a week has passed.

but the fact is tis was not long ago, and it shockes me, what a little effort can do. no longer do i hope the smithy does his work well, i now know i am the smithy, and i am perfectly capable of controlling my own fate and leading it were i want.

i used to think i knew what this ment, but that was back when, to quote a dear freind of mine. when i was trying to be an observer in my own life, now that i am taking an active part in it, im scared. plain and simple, ive no idea what to do, im bombarded by choice after choice every day, many of them potentaily life changing. but the fact is, im still going and making them, rather then declining whenever i can and trying to sit back and do nothing,

ive lost nearly fifty pounds since last year, gain a very friendly job, many friends, and the love of my life. whom i fully intended to marry someday soon. (btw jen, as i know your one of the two or three people who reads this, im making you a bet, ill be married before you.)

yet, theres still nights, much like this one were i take a look and im scared out of my wits, i cant belive im finally doing it, not talking about it, but doing it. and while im thinking of it, its hard to rember, time never stops, despite how scary things seem, time still moves on.

and with that knowlage, i know, not to overly worry about things. but i do, my mind is in knots nearly every night, sure i have a plan, generaly, but is it what i really want to do? i often find myself thinking of doing a some reserch, burring myself under books for a few weeks and then in the spring liquidating everything i own (which isn't much) and moving out to the lake i visit most weekends in the summer, finding a patch of land on the side of the lake, and going to work building my own hut, and becoming a hermit. its a truly tempting thought i must say, yet the only thing that really keeps me from doing it, besides my love, is the fact that i still have family, and im still so young, sure it sounds like a tempting prospect now, but a few years down the road? when i finaly adjust to the patheticly backwards world we call day to day life?

i know, i get on long thought trains, its not uncommon for me to go on that train all the way to the end when im imaging dieing in a old folks home and grankids, rarely though do i get that far.

what prompts this post tonight, and yes neyssa, go ahead and be pissed of at me, but its quite simple really,

Is this game, both the actual game, and the deep rich story behind it. ive been dwelling on just how much we influance others. do you think RAITA, the artist who drew the original ONE PAGE ILISTRATION that inspired this entire journey, have ever known it would go this far, or that if you told aura or anyone else on the development team what they would be doing wit it? i highly doubt they would belive you if you did.

and not only that, but the rich story's in the game, which by the way, are better then any soap oprea on the planet, nothing. and i mean NOTHING, has ever given me that much of an emotional thrill ride, low, and high in such a condensed period of time. it is quite possibly te most beautiful story i have ever read.


but thats just it, despite going crazy with anticipation will waiting, and pleasure will playing, what now? its over. its done. no more blog update of how close they are to it being finished, no more update from 4LS saying how things are going, now... nothing, the high is over.

and it makes me wonder, what is the point of our lives? why do we do what we do? were do we find the motivation to get up and take on the next day?

the answer to this question? i doubt anyone TRULY knows, but i do know this, dispite times when i hate myself, and want to die. despite times when i love life and everything in it, despite times when it seems like i cant possibly go on, time does. so you just do to. today was the first day at work when it was less of something amazingly fun, and more of something reutine. and it made me realize that, and its throwing me way the hell off. everything that used to give me pleasure, seemingly doesint now, and i dont know what to do.

so in the end, im left with all i can do, get up, take on the day, one. day. at. a time.

yet times like thease, when i let myself think this deep... scare me.

Progress and momentum.

Sir Issac newton is a rat bastard.

Why you ask? simple, momentum. tis a wonderful thing when its on your side, however when your trying desperately to gain it. it is a PAIN IN THE ASS. but~ once you have it, you will be hard pressed to stop moving farward.

and i am more then pleased to admit, i finaly have it. yes, i have gian employment! and goddamn it feels good. ive broken free of the chains of dispair, the chains that have been keeping me tied down, the cement shoes, the rut in the mud. i am FREE! now, nothing can stop me. or so id like to think :P however, this is the cruical step in my annoyingly long forging process.

Many things have happened since my last post, i have found myself most importantly, my true self. and ive found peace with myself and with that peace comes a confidence ive never felt before, i know there will be hardships ahead, yet i do not fear them as i once did, i know i will make it through them, i am no longer afraid of moving forward. i AM moving forward.

Haters Gonna Hate.

Noticed something today while going through old blog posts, I got my first batch of haters! WOOT!
I noticed it when I was going over my old blog posts, and you know what I have to say to ya? That the best you have? I mean come on, get creative here! when you seen one you've literally, seen them all. Infact, if anything the only thing these guys managed to do is add a little fuel to my fire. It just makes me work harder, knowing there's people who think and want me to fail epicly. Especially when i read there comments, you really cant GET anymore generic. but, nonetheless it did make me realize one thing.

People actually read this shit? awesome! But guess that means ill have to at least LOOK like im putting an effort into mah grammar. So with this I guess my blog gets easier to read.


And on a side note, Id like to see you say that again post basic, see were your stereotypical insults get you then ^^

your focus needs more FOCUS!

something ive been thinking about, life is full of distractions, its easy to get lost in them, to completly forget about whats inportant and to spend your life doing nothing. the key is to pick out your goal in this sea of distractions and foucs in on it, for if you dont, your bound to get lost along the way.

on the flipside, you cant forget about everything, distractions are good. and when you think about them, they may not even be distractions, but tools you need to reach your goal, and without these distractions, life isn't worth living, yes you have your end gaol, but you need to accumulate experiences along the way to, cause those experiences are what makes us human.

lifes puzzle

well gonna borrow on a  analogy used by my idol and inspiration, danny choo.


life, is a puzzle, a big, borderless never ending puzzle. when you start it, you start with nothing but a huge pile of jumbled together peices, and its up to you to sort them out, to peice them together. depending on how you grow up you may or may not have the begenings of a picture by the time your wn your own, in my case i didint, i had a few peices here n there but that was it. the past two years for me have been a rough ride as i despratly tried to link thease peices together, and ive done just that. i put the peices together and formed a general picture in my soul, and it points in one direction, japan, and now that i can see that ive committed myself to getting there.

however you have to watch out, this is LIFES puzzle, not a simple 500 peice view of a lake cabin, but a endless borderless puzzle, there is no end to it. i will be putting peices together till the day i die, and thats just the way it is. nothing can change that and nothing will. what matters is how you feel about it, is it to much and you rather quit and abandon the puzzle? or do you keep going, never giving up commited to reacing your goal.

in the end it all comes down to how you feel about it, if it proves to much and you give up, becomeing one of the masses then so be it, as long as your content thats all that matters.

persoanly i could never be content with that, im not gonna stop untill im satisfied, and that wont be for a long time. there will be many hardships, many trails. but thease are part of the process, if you were just handed your picture on a silver platter what would be the point?  one of the most inportant parts about our puzzle is the process, going through the peices and trying to fit them together, and. at times, you may think you have your answer, the perfect peice that links everything together, and others, this peice you thought was perfect may not be. but if its not, if its not the peice you were looking for, if its not the peice that makes other things make more sense, you havent lost anything either. you just have to keep searching, and keep fighting. never giving up. and thats precisely what im doing, so much so that hearing people criticize me and put me down only get me going faster, pushing harder. hearing them only motivates me more.

I will. make. it.

motivation.

motivation... for some, quite a rarity. for others, its as common as the air we breath. 

i lay somewhere inbetween those two. but when i do get motivated, NOTHING. stops me. and while i had a fire lit in my soul which got me moving and let me figure out what im doing in life, and a plan to do so. the same man who lit that fire just added nuclear fuel to it. i have never felt this good in my LIFE. and i can damn well guarantee you NOTHING is going to stop me. not even god and his angels. its amazing what a few words, spoken from the right person can do.

and with this motivation, this nuclear fire, comes good things indeed ^^ just landed a job interview, my workout has just been rejuvenated. and im well on my way to my mountain ^^ feels good man.. damn good indeed. i will NOT let this feeling die! 

the climbing of a mountain called dreams.

a new analogy i thought of, that makes quite a bit of sense. following your dreams are a lot like climing a mountain. some smaller then others some larger, but no matter what mountain your climing. you need to be prepared ^^ i tend to think of the past ten months as the prep period, when you get to gether your equipment, your gear, ice picks shoes packs tents, finding your guild and booking your trip.

and im not even done preparing yet, ive only just accumulating the "funds" necessary to "buy" the "equipment" i need. and i am setting out to do that, and it breaks down into a few things.

A. deciding to join the reserve, for the funding needed for college.
B. loosing the weight, and changing thou lifestyle in preparation for basic.
C. enlisting, and going to basic.
D. making it through basic whilst keeping my core values intact.
E. enrolling in MSUM for the classes i have chosen.
F. making it through school in a reasonable time period. maximum of four years.

n this is were it gets a bit tricky. so im gonna have to break it down into a few points.

G.a work stateside in business and accumulate job experience for two years, as the minimum term for the reserve is 6 years. and college will only take four.

G.b go active, and transfer to the airforce, requesting transfer to tokyo. or another base in japan. this may seem atractive in being in japan sooner but i will not be able to accumulate critical experience.

H.a having job experience i need, start looking for work in tokyo, preferably a company that has something to do with my dreams, tho just getting there and establishing a foothold will work to. and accumulate funds and assets.

H.b moving to tokyo, or anywhere in japan and accumulate expirance necessary to be attractive to company of choice whilst establishing a foothold.

H.b-2 having gained job experience start looking for work with a company that works with my dreams. accumulating money.

I having accumulated funds needed, establish my own company, or join a company, such as Mirai inc, that serves my dreams to the letter.

final step, live the dream.


it will take a LOT of work, and the later steps are thoughts in there infancy, but this is my general plan, step by step, to climb my "Everest" in the end, i will be one of the few people in the world who can say proudly they didn't let there dream die, but followed it though to the end and achieved happiness ^^

like i said it will take a lot of work, and time but time is on my side, assuming the world doesn't end next year ^^ but when all is said and don't i can look back to days like today in pride and know i did something worth doing, and something that will be remembered even if it isn't something big ^^

and now. the man who lit this fire in my soul.