were to start..... endless things have happend, to take a page out of my own book, the forging process has been nearly completed, no-longer am i a useless chunk of rock, but a raw ingot of iron. ready to be shaped. the past year and months have crucial for me. between waking up to reality, and completly overhauling my general lifestyle, the times just one year ago seem so much farther, like a far far gone distant dream of a life that once was. i can hardly remember the times were ive slept in AND done nothing all day for more then a day in a row, now everything seems to be flying by and grinding to a halt at the same time, the days seem lighting fast, and slow at the same time, and despite them moving by so slowly, before i know whats hit me, a week has passed.
but the fact is tis was not long ago, and it shockes me, what a little effort can do. no longer do i hope the smithy does his work well, i now know i am the smithy, and i am perfectly capable of controlling my own fate and leading it were i want.
i used to think i knew what this ment, but that was back when, to quote a dear freind of mine. when i was trying to be an observer in my own life, now that i am taking an active part in it, im scared. plain and simple, ive no idea what to do, im bombarded by choice after choice every day, many of them potentaily life changing. but the fact is, im still going and making them, rather then declining whenever i can and trying to sit back and do nothing,
ive lost nearly fifty pounds since last year, gain a very friendly job, many friends, and the love of my life. whom i fully intended to marry someday soon. (btw jen, as i know your one of the two or three people who reads this, im making you a bet, ill be married before you.)
yet, theres still nights, much like this one were i take a look and im scared out of my wits, i cant belive im finally doing it, not talking about it, but doing it. and while im thinking of it, its hard to rember, time never stops, despite how scary things seem, time still moves on.
and with that knowlage, i know, not to overly worry about things. but i do, my mind is in knots nearly every night, sure i have a plan, generaly, but is it what i really want to do? i often find myself thinking of doing a some reserch, burring myself under books for a few weeks and then in the spring liquidating everything i own (which isn't much) and moving out to the lake i visit most weekends in the summer, finding a patch of land on the side of the lake, and going to work building my own hut, and becoming a hermit. its a truly tempting thought i must say, yet the only thing that really keeps me from doing it, besides my love, is the fact that i still have family, and im still so young, sure it sounds like a tempting prospect now, but a few years down the road? when i finaly adjust to the patheticly backwards world we call day to day life?
i know, i get on long thought trains, its not uncommon for me to go on that train all the way to the end when im imaging dieing in a old folks home and grankids, rarely though do i get that far.
what prompts this post tonight, and yes neyssa, go ahead and be pissed of at me, but its quite simple really,
Is this game, both the actual game, and the deep rich story behind it. ive been dwelling on just how much we influance others. do you think RAITA, the artist who drew the original ONE PAGE ILISTRATION that inspired this entire journey, have ever known it would go this far, or that if you told aura or anyone else on the development team what they would be doing wit it? i highly doubt they would belive you if you did.
and not only that, but the rich story's in the game, which by the way, are better then any soap oprea on the planet, nothing. and i mean NOTHING, has ever given me that much of an emotional thrill ride, low, and high in such a condensed period of time. it is quite possibly te most beautiful story i have ever read.
but thats just it, despite going crazy with anticipation will waiting, and pleasure will playing, what now? its over. its done. no more blog update of how close they are to it being finished, no more update from 4LS saying how things are going, now... nothing, the high is over.
and it makes me wonder, what is the point of our lives? why do we do what we do? were do we find the motivation to get up and take on the next day?
the answer to this question? i doubt anyone TRULY knows, but i do know this, dispite times when i hate myself, and want to die. despite times when i love life and everything in it, despite times when it seems like i cant possibly go on, time does. so you just do to. today was the first day at work when it was less of something amazingly fun, and more of something reutine. and it made me realize that, and its throwing me way the hell off. everything that used to give me pleasure, seemingly doesint now, and i dont know what to do.
so in the end, im left with all i can do, get up, take on the day, one. day. at. a time.
yet times like thease, when i let myself think this deep... scare me.
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